


To Catch A Quiche

by arandomshipper (Giveadogabone)



Category: Bone (Comic), The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-17
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-10-30 03:07:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17820656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Giveadogabone/pseuds/arandomshipper
Summary: A pair of highly recognizable rat creatures come across an even more recognizable halfling at the beginning of his journey.  It goes about how you'd expect.





	To Catch A Quiche

Deep in the woods, far from any civilization, a pair of creatures wandered in search of food. One might call them men, for they were indeed sapient, but they were of a bestial race that more resembled enormous rodents than humans, and they had not the disposition of men, but that of monsters. Unlike the Orcs or the Goblins, who could be called similar to them, they had no name for their race. To those unfortunates who encountered them, they were known simply as the rat creatures, or sometimes the rat men.

As a race, the rat creatures were militant and tribal. They were possessed of an inborn hatred of the other races, and a strong taste for their flesh. And so, their usual behavior was to gather in numbers great enough to overwhelm a small town, and proceed to eat every last inhabitant. The primary visible traits within the species were hunger and merciless violence. Not only had they no name for their entire race, individuals were so indistinguishable they did not even bother to come up with names for each other. Speech was scarce and only such as was necessary. Independent thought and personality within the rat creature race was nonexistent.

But these two particular rat men were different. Not in their hatred of mankind, nor in their taste for human flesh, no. In that, they were much the same as their brothers. The difference in this nameless pair, which we will call One and Two for the purpose of this story, was more...well, let's just observe them for now, and you'll get the picture.

"I'm so sick of squirrel!" One moaned. "How long has it been since we've had a good meal? I'm starting to forget what good meat tastes like."

"People don't seem to come this deep into the woods very often." Two said reasonably. "If we want human, we should move closer to the towns."

"And be hunted like animals. We're sitting ducks out here by ourselves. We'll have to stick with squirrels. Stupid squirrels."

"Maybe you'd like squirrels more if you let me catch enough of them and make a quiche."

One ignored him. "Stupid, stupid squirrels. Is it too much to ask for a defenseless smallish manlike creature to be walking around all alone close by? Is that really too much to ask?"

"That didn't work out especially well for us last time." Two reminded him hesitantly.

"That was a fluke. If we found a small weak little man again, he wouldn't be getting away this time. I'd rip him up and bite him up and FEAST!" One began drooling. "Suck out his eyeballs, crack open his bones and eat the marrow, slurp up his innards!"

"And then I'd take what was left and make a quiche!"

"Will you shut up about quiche, already?!"

"Why? What do you have against quiche, anyway?" Two asked in a wounded voice.

"It's undignified! We're monsters, we don't eat quiche!"

"Undignified? Quiche has plenty of dignity! Such a majestic food, anyone would be proud to be a part of it! I bet most of the things we eat always wanted to be in a quiche one day. Maybe we would be fulfilling some poor creature's lifelong dream!"

One slapped him. "You idiot, none of the creatures we eat care how they're eaten, they just wish we would let them go! Nobody's deepest desire is to be a quiche!"

Two rubbed his head. "You don't know that. It could be."

One held his claws up to the sky in supplication. "Why? Why me? What did I do to deserve this? It's not like I'm a ravenous monster in search of sentient beings to eat! Well, I mean, I am, but..."

Two tapped his shoulder. "Hey, look."

One ignored him. "But still, I don't deserve THIS, do I? I'm not THAT evil of a monster, am I"

Two tapped him again. "Hey."

"Can't you see I'm having an moment?" One snarled at him. "Unless you're going to tell me that a small, defenseless, delicious looking two-legs dropped into our laps, shut up!"

"A small, defenseless, delicious looking two legs just dropped into our laps."

"WHAT DID I JUST SAY?! SHUT UP UNLESS wait, what?"

One finally looked down. There, right in front of them, quivering in fear, was a creature that was very human-like, except that he was about half as tall and three times as wide. He appeared to be entirely unarmed, and his nearly perfectly round shape looked very inefficient for either fighting or running. All in all, he was quite possibly the most delicious looking thing One had ever seen, extremely hairy bare feet aside. Within seconds, the ground in front of One was saturated with drool.

"Hello, there. What's your lunch-I mean, name?"

"Bilbo." The creature squeaked, shaking in his not-boots.

"You seem uptight, Blibo. Calm down, relax a little. We were just about to have lunch, you should join us."

"It's Bilbo, and no thanks. I've got somewhere I need to be, if you please."

"Yes, you do. IN MY BELLY!"

One lunged at him, and the little guy took off like a shot with a speed that belied his stubby legs, both rat men snapping at his heels. However, after a mere few minutes of the chase, Two became very frustrated.

"Why do you always have to attack so suddenly? We'll never catch it now." He huffed.

"It was going to run either way. Why is it so fast?" One puffed. "Slow down and let us eat you!"

And Bilbo did slow down, for his endurance was not great. He had not yet accustomed his body to feats of stamina. However, neither were the two rat creatures of great endurance, and though he slowed, they yet fell further and further behind. Soon enough, they were frequently losing sight of their quarry through the trees, and had to track him by sound alone, which became more difficult as they both gasped for breath.

"Breathe...quieter!" One gasped out, running at a quarter the speed of the initial sprint.

"You're...louder...than...me!" Two retorted. One tried to snap back a reply, but was unable for lack of breath.

The tiny man slipped though some bushes, and the sound of running stopped. The rat creatures gratefully slowed to a walk.

"He...stopped. I think...we ran him...down." One wheezed.

"Or...it's a...trap."

One gathered the strength to slap ineffectually at the back of Two's head. "It's...not a...trap...stupid. It was...alone. I know because...I've never seen a thing like that...before." One gathered himself and finally got his breath back. "Whatever that thing is, it's far from home. There are none of its kind in the area. Now, get ready. We'll pounce him on three. One, two, THREE!"

The pair burst through the bushes and right into a clearing. And in a menacing circle around that clearing were dwarves. Thirteen dwarves, to be exact. Thirteen angry looking dwarves. Thirteen angry looking dwarves armed with swords, axes, clubs, and the odd bow and arrow, all sharpened and polished and pointed right at them.

There was a long silence.

Two slowly raised a claw. "Um...excuse me, have any of you ever wanted to be in a quiche?"


End file.
